I'm happy but I'm also scared to death

I erased all i had written.
It's better off this way.
Remind me patience is good. Good things will happen.
If i really think We belong to each other, everything will be fine. So i don't need to panic. That's just impatience and highmaintenance i've got to get rid off. I love him to death, this might sound stupid but i think he also loves me to death. I believe in it. It just pains me that i'm losing time i could spend happily next to that man. It just pains me i'm not beside him holding his hand and telling him, everything is gonna be okay, i'll always be here. I need him. I miss him.

I'm going crazy

I don't recognize myself, help me. He's so precious to me and i'm ruining everything by becoming this monster. God fuck help. GIVE HIM BACK WE LOVE EACH OTHER FOR FUCKS SAKE! NOTHING SHOULD GET IN THE WAY ANYMORE, IM SICK OF ALL THESE COMPLICATED THINGS, I JUST WANT US TO BE HAPPY, I WANT TO BE THE EVENING HE LOOKS FORWARD TO AFTER A LONG DAY, I WANT TO BE THE HAND HE HOLDS, I WANT TO BE THE LIPS HE KISSES, I WANT TO BE THE PERSON HE HOLD TIGHTLY, I WANT HIM TO REALIZE HOW MUCH WE BELONG TOGETHER AND HOW MUCH WE MISS EACH OTHER. I WANT US TO BE STUPID AND SELFISH TOGETHER. I'm silly like this. i'm a freaking moron, just like this, i'm HIS freaking silly moron. I love you. I want my selfish basterd back. <3

I'm a selfish idiot (hi, self introduction #2 complete nonesense)

This is the man of my life. This is the man i lost over my selfishness. He is the best damn thing that could happen to me. I wish i was the same, for a moment i thought so. I've never been very good in ''love''. I'm melodramatic, often borderline, very jealous, very possessive, over protective most of the time, my anxiety problems come kick in almost everyday. I'm not very beautiful, in fact, i think i wear too much make up and don't even have a natural hair color. I pass an horrible lot of time trying to be awesome, which i really am. As for friends, i have a few. I hang out with a bunch of friends , we're about 10-12. You phantom readers know it's quite hard to live with that much individuals and share the same opinions. In fact, we're all different and there's a lot of times where i'd just want to kick some of their sorry asses. In that circle, i feel like i'm a pillar, i'm the one who knew every single one of them and put them together, therefore, when fights break there is a lot of pressure surrounding me. That's usually when anxiety kicks in. Talking about anxiety, it's in my genes that i'll end up having lots of stress problems. Also, i have almost no self-confidence and that since i was a kid. I'm pretty shy, the people i know today don't always believe me when i say so because i don't like to let it show. I worry about the littlest details and they usually become a monster problem. In my previous relation for example, i was scared to deceive my ex's parents. His ex girlfriend (the one before me) was much more girlie, much more of their kind and so talented. I, on my side, am borderline tomboy, am shy as fucking hell and despised his dad because of all the stories he told me about him. I hate being hypocrite, i can't stand being hypocrite. By the time i wanted to repair my shyness and get to know his house life better, my cegep went on strike and i had no more reasons to sleep there. My dad works at night and so i'd leave my mother alone which she can't handle cause guess what, she's just like me , a fucking psycho. My life at this point took a wrong turn, anxiety overtook everything and all the confidence and courage i had build up just disappeared. By that time my ex was enjoying being with me less and less, i worried even more and it just got worst. Let's get back on track here, that's not all the defaults i have. I'm way too nostalgic, everything means too much to me, for no big reason. I get my hopes up too fast. I depress way too easily (borderline personality disorder). I am way too friendly and make too much pervert jokes. Going back to my circle of friends, after a year and a half of knowing me, some of them thought i was fooling around with tons of guys. I get drunk on happiness. I drink when i'm not happy. I think about suicide several times a day. I made the promise not to kill myself thou, so don't worry about it. I like looking at the sky and dream, i often forget i'm surrounded by people and worry them to death. I'm currently a walking zombie. I hurt people by being selfish all the time. It's very hard to make me change minds, thou it can be very easy for some. I used to manipulate people and make them need me. I used to like making them drown in my world of illusions and broken dreams. Now i pity most of the people i talk too. I hate people who think they know so much about life just because they have good writing skills and lived a few things. Per example those who say life is nothing, death only awaits. That isn't true. Life is beautiful, i cherish it as much as i despise it. It's full of wonders and amazing things. 3 years ago i fell in love with this amazing friend who still is my amazing friend. After he tried to make me understand i had to forget him by disappearing i broke into a big depression that is no longer the biggest i've had. When i finally got over it years later i made up my mind about love, love was just trash that hurt people when it's linked to me. I wanted this awful yet fun life. Fooling around, basing my happiness on the number of things i've lived. I even built a personality for it. But then i met Frédérik (my ex boyfriend). My life completely changed after meeting him for the second time of my life. I don't even remember how i fell in love with him, but he made me crazy about him, i still am crazy about him. Those nights we talked until 6am on my balcony, or those nights we hung out with friends and kept our closeness a secret. Those moments i spent talking about him over and over and annoyed most of my close friends. All of that made my life so bright, so worth living. I find myself very lucky to have lived all of these moments. Actually i feel like the luckiest person in the world to have been loved by him. When i'm with him i feel like nothing matters anymore, i feel like i can breathe and forget about the past. When he says he loves me i feel like nothing can stop me. When he kisses me i feel like the world is at our feet. I guess he makes me feel stronger than i really am. I'm pretty weak in reality but when i was with him, he made me feel like i was worth it. Like i was worth something. Those moments he talked to me about wanting to propose to me, they're way more beautiful than any proposal i've ever seen. I regret nothing. It was totally worth the way. I may have lost him forever, but at least i have these beautiful memories of a time i could come back home and tell myself i wish all of my friends could live this happiness. Of a time i could live this shittiest day and cheer up with some words he'd send me. Of a time i'd love myself even after being told i was shit by my parents. Hi, i'm melodramatic, i end up making a fuss out of anything. I am borderline, i can jump from happy to depressive in a fraction of seconds. I used to cut myself to feel alive until every breath he gives made me feel even better. I have friends who care for me more than i ever cared about myself. I often dream about the day he'll come back knocking on my door to say he wants me back. I know it's most likely not going to happen. But it's worth waiting for. I will spend the rest of my life making the people who made me happy even if only slightly, the happiest people on earth. I'll spend my life being the one who makes them happy by simply breathing. I'll spend my life trying to be as worth it to him that he is worth it to me. Love is worth it if it's with you. It will happen. ''I so wanna get back on track, and i'll do whatever it takes, even if it kills me.''

Ttyl phantom readers <3

Hi.

This is my sexy boyfriend wearing make up kissing me.
Can we see that? no, who cares , doesn't change the facts.
oh , yes, i have a boyfriend. :-)
oh and no, not the guy i've been writing about. The guy who made me forget that one.
He is amazing.
More on that later... or not. :-)
I'll come back with some more news, promise.

Do you wanna know a secret?

Hey tiger,
I'm still waiting. Are you ever planing on rescuing me ?

Here's another pic.

Yeah, before i dyed my hair blue i bleached it. A friend of mine liked it a lot so i took these pics especially for him. Enjoy.

Again another crappy journal

Hi there phantom readers.
It's been a while since last post.
I'm always having this kind of pattern did you notice yet? Everytime i look back on my recent past i come here to spew my brains out. So yeah, i went through my old stuff again... stupid me. I've tried so many things, though of so many solutions but i still can't stop ----------------. I even recently jumped into a solution that might turn hurtful, for both me and the persons involved. I guess i lost my mind for some time and thought it was for real this time. Next morning i woke up and had some sense knocked into me by myself. Probably not the best person to ask around for advice but i have no choice, this is not something i allow myself to ask others. So i finished high school... it's a weird feeling. Had prom too, very fun. This week i spent so little hours being home and when i'm home i've been busy or sleeping. I think this is the first time in the week that im finally alone with myself, calm. My computer is having some trouble connecting wireless so now i'm stuck having my laptop wired with an internet cable and can't use internet when my dad's on his computer 'cause it's his cable. I have blue hair and am planing on taking some random awesome pic for you phantom stalkers soon. Oh well. I'll stop here for now, i'm mentally exhausted.

Did i ever tell u the definition of insanity? :-)